I Saw a White Lady Standing on the Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once a Week)

by John Mulaney

It was two years ago
Christmas time, foot of snow
Passing through Union Square
And I saw this crying white lady
Just kinda standing there

(Funny, what if instead of getting on the subway with my entire class for our field trip to look at bugs, I'd walked over?)

I approach, she's demure
She thinks, 'Who is this four-foot bachelor?'
So my hand I extend
And say, 'I'm Alex J.
'And you look like you need a friend

'Why are you crying in a public place?
'Perhaps a friend of yours was fake to your face
'Or did you just come from Trader Joe's
'And you paid too much for your avocados?'

No Kleenex in her purse
I've a handkerchief for her
Of course, monogrammed, 'Alex J'
'Keep it, ma'am,
'Because you're just having one of those days

'I understand'
She takes my hand

We walk uptown and dine at Au Bon Pain
I talk of Sherlock Gnomes from beginning to end
Then suddenly I say, 'What's that sound I hear?
'Your lovely laugh, my dear'

You got problems and I don't want to delve
You're a grownup and I'm barely 12
Expel your problems, I can help you with coping
Look me in the eye, and the floodgates will open

They're phasing out my department
And I will lose my apartment
My mom is no support system
I like bad guys, can't resist them
Forgot to DVR Drag Race
My friend Elise, fake to my face
Some fraud made them freeze my AmEx
And later ran into my ex
And some days, this city and de Blasio just make me scream 'Why??!
'Why not just stand here and cry?'

(And also this whole time I'm wearing my dad's fancy scarf and my Heelys)

Her eyes glisten
I don't talk, I listen
Then the rain starts again
We scurry down the street
Into another Au Bon Pain

She takes my handkerchief from her purse
She says, Alex J, I feel like I'm cursed
'Lady, I know that the sky isn't clear
'But it cannot rain every day of the year
'Can't you just be crying in your own narrative?
'Because "We tell ourselves stories in order to live"'

She nods, 'Joan Didion'
I take her hand, to Le Pain Quotidien
And we talk about life and love
And Sherlock Gnomes
Until it's time to go home

That's what I think would happen
But it's all imagined
And I will wonder till the end
What if I hadn't walked away
Would that crying lady be my friend?

Anyway, I remember all sorts of things
Thanks for listening
And wherever you are, lady, have a good night