I Saw a White Lady Standing on the Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once a Week)

by John Mulaney

It was two years ago
Christmas time, foot of snow
Passing through Union Square
And I saw this crying white lady
Just kinda standing there

(Funny, what if instead of getting on the subway with my entire class for our field trip to look at bugs, I'd walked over?)

I approach, she's demure
She thinks, 'Who is this four-foot bachelor?'
So my hand I extend
And say, 'I'm Alex J.
'And you look like you need a friend

'Why are you crying in a public place?
'Perhaps a friend of yours was fake to your face
'Or did you just come from Trader Joe's
'And you paid too much for your avocados?'

No Kleenex in her purse
I've a handkerchief for her
Of course, monogrammed, 'Alex J'
'Keep it, ma'am,
'Because you're just having one of those days

'I understand'
She takes my hand

We walk uptown and dine at Au Bon Pain
I talk of Sherlock Gnomes from beginning to end
Then suddenly I say, 'What's that sound I hear?
'Your lovely laugh, my dear'

You got problems and I don't want to delve
You're a grownup and I'm barely 12
Expel your problems, I can help you with coping
Look me in the eye, and the floodgates will open

They're phasing out my department
And I will lose my apartment
My mom is no support system
I like bad guys, can't resist them
Forgot to DVR Drag Race
My friend Elise, fake to my face
Some fraud made them freeze my AmEx
And later ran into my ex
And some days, this city and de Blasio just make me scream 'Why??!
'Why not just stand here and cry?'

(And also this whole time I'm wearing my dad's fancy scarf and my Heelys)

Her eyes glisten
I don't talk, I listen
Then the rain starts again
We scurry down the street
Into another Au Bon Pain

She takes my handkerchief from her purse
She says, Alex J, I feel like I'm cursed
'Lady, I know that the sky isn't clear
'But it cannot rain every day of the year
'Can't you just be crying in your own narrative?
'Because "We tell ourselves stories in order to live"'

She nods, 'Joan Didion'
I take her hand, to Le Pain Quotidien
And we talk about life and love
And Sherlock Gnomes
Until it's time to go home

That's what I think would happen
But it's all imagined
And I will wonder till the end
What if I hadn't walked away
Would that crying lady be my friend?

Anyway, I remember all sorts of things
Thanks for listening
And wherever you are, lady, have a good night

Common People

by Jarvis Cocker

She came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge
She studied sculpture at St Martin's College
That's where I caught her eye.

She told me that her dad was loaded
I said, 'In that case I'll have a rum and coca-cola.'
She said, 'Fine,' and in thirty seconds time

She said,
'I want to live like common people
'I want to do whatever common people do
'I want to sleep with common people
'I want to sleep with common people like you'
Well, what else could I do?
I said, 'I'll see what I can do'

I took her to a supermarket
I don't know why but I had to start it
Somewhere, so it started there

I said, 'Pretend you've got no money'
She just laughed and said, 'Oh, you're so funny'
I said, 'Yeah? I can't see anyone else smiling here'

Are you sure you want to live like common people?
You want to see whatever common people see
You want to sleep with common people
You want to sleep with common people like me
But she didn't understand
She just smiled and held my hand

Rent a flat above a shop
Cut your hair and get a job
Smoke some fags and play some pool
Pretend you never went to school

But still you'll never get it right
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night
Watching roaches climb the wall
If you called your dad, he could stop it all

You'll never live like common people
You'll never do whatever common people do
You'll never fail like common people
You'll never watch your life slide out of view
And then dance and drink and screw
Because there's nothing else to do

Sing along with the common people
Sing along and it might just get you through
Laugh along with the common people
Laugh along even though they're laughing at you
And the stupid things that you do
Because you think that poor is cool

Like a dog lying in a corner
They will bite you and never warn you
Look out, they'll tear your insides out

'Cause everybody hates a tourist
Especially one who thinks it's all such a laugh
Yeah and the chip stain's grease
Will come out in the bath

You will never understand
How it feels to live your life
With no meaning or control
And with nowhere left to go

You are amazed that they exist
And they burn so bright
Whilst you can only wonder why

Less Like Scars

by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle

But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out
Hoping you would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like character

A Well-Respected Man

by Ray Davies

'Cause he gets up in the morning
And he goes to work at nine
And he comes back home at five-thirty
Gets the same train every time
'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality
It never fails

And he's oh so good
And he's oh so fine
And he's oh so healthy
In his body and his mind
He's a well respected man about town
Doing the best things so conservatively

And his mother goes to meetings
While his father pulls the maid
And she stirs the tea with councilors
While discussing foreign trade
And she passes looks as well as bills
At every suave young man

And he likes his own backyard
And he likes his fags the best
'Cause he's better than the rest
And his own sweat smells the best
And he hopes to grab his father's loot
When Pater passes on

And he plays at stocks and shares
And he goes to the regatta
And he adores the girl next door
'Cause he's dying to get at her
But his mother knows the best about
The matrimonial stakes

And he's oh so good
And he's oh so fine
And he's oh so healthy
In his body and his mind
He's a well respected man about town
Doing the best things so conservatively