New Routine

by Adam Schlesinger

Two men sit in the corner of a diner
Both of them look quite a bit like Carl Reiner
One of them is smoking even though the sign says not to
The waitress says to stop, he says, 'sorry but I've got to'
Tell each other jokes that they both know that they both know
They talk about real estate, prostates, Costco

And when they finish up they leave a twenty on the table
The waitress picks it up with the half-eaten bagels
And when her shift is over she goes back to Mineola
Sits on the couch, opens up a diet cola and says

'I'm so, I'm so sick of this place
'I'm so ready for a change of pace
'I'm just looking for a new routine'
So she spins her globe
And the next thing you know
She's living in Liechtenstein

She doesn't speak German, only high school Spanish
But within a few weeks she discovers she can manage
But there's not much going on except for banking and skiing
So she breaks up with the man that she just started seeing
He drops her at the airport in a diesel Mercedes
Thinks to himself, 'I'm so feeble with the ladies, and I

'I'm so, I'm so sick of this place
'I'm so ready for a change of pace
'I'm just looking for a new routine'
So he grabs his cap
Throws a dart at a map
And now he's living in Bowling Green

He talks his way into a job at La Quinta
Falls for the manager who's moving back to Canada
She's tried Roanoke, Reykjavik, Rome
Says 'you're really sweet but I just want to go home'

Two men sit in the corner of a diner
One of them says 'I might take a trip to China'
It's one of those things we should do before we're too old
Thanks but no thanks, bring me back an egg roll
Bring it back